THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFFIED;

THAT MEANS IF THIS IS LEAKED, BAD THINGS HAPPEN;

STOP LEAKING, ITS DANGEROUS IF THE PUBLIC FINDS OUT WHAT GOES ON IN THE WAR ROOM

STOP LEAKING, DAMN YOU!!

THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED

Location:  US State Department, Henry Kissinger Conference Room

“I know, I do, I P.  Me, Mike P on Iran.  That which is he, who is me.  You all got that?”  Secretary Pompeo declared.  “Iran is going to get a big steaming load of hot ass all over their Mohammadean chests, when I am done with them!”

“This has nothing to do with Iran.  Just because we called in the Joint Chiefs, doesn’t mean we are asking you to create a war, Mr. Secretary.”  Acting SecDef Patrick Shannahan replied.  “Certainly not one with Iran.”

“But I want to take a big shit on Iran!”  Pompeo sat down on the floor with his arms crossed.

“That’s not why we’re here.”

“This isn’t fair.  I want to shit on Iran.  I was promised I can go to war with Iran if I took this shit job, and damnit  I wanna war with Iran!”

The room fell silent enough to hear the collective eye rolls from the Joint Chiefs, and Bolton’s mustache furiously fapping upon a unlit cigarette.

“We need to brief the President on…another issue that has been making the rounds in the media.”  Shannahan explained. “Has anybody ever informed you of the DOD’s work with UFO’s?”

“Unidentified Flying Iranian-Objects?”

“It has nothing to do with Iran.”

“Uhhh-ranian Flying Objects?”

“IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IRAN.”

“Look, it’s close enough for government work.  Let’s begin before I need another cigarette.”  A fat, awkward looking man said behind the SecDef.  He appeared to be sloppily dressed in a cheap suit and smelled of sweat, used prophylaxes, American Spirit Menthols, and possibly yellow curry.  “I don’t have a ton of time but if this shitweasel has the President’s ear then my job is done once I pass him the ball.”

“This is Special Secret Agent Snuffy.”  Shannahann began.  “He has been tracking these anomalies since 1968.”

“Does he work for Iran?”  Pompeo asked.

“I don’t work for Iran.”  The fat man replied.

“I don’t believe you.  What Iranian agency do you work for?”

“I worked with the Shah, briefly in the 70’s, but that is irrelevant.”

“I KNEW IT!”

“Listen you shitweasel, SPACE SMITH has been sighted by Naval Aviators during the previous administration.  SPACE SMITH is out to rape you and the rest of the planet.”

“Does SPACE SMITH work for Iran?”

“No.  It’s an ancient spiritual being that transcends time and space, jumping between planetary systems after it achieves it’s objectives:  raping the planet.”

“Does Iran possess this technology to transcend time and space?”

“No, Iran is going to get fucked too.”

“YES LETS FUCK IRAN”

“Focus, you asshole.  SPACE SMITH =/= Iran.”

“Exactly…focus…Iran…asshole…SPACE SMITH…rape Iran.  What else do I need to brief to the President?”

“Navy and Air Force pilots have come in contact with SPACE SMITH.  Some of them have gone public, and some of the media outlets are reporting it, and not just the crackpot outlets.  They identified it moves at hypersonic speeds, and in a manner that exceeds human abilities.  We don’t think we can talk it down, but a plan does exist in the event it must scratch its quantum itch.”

“Can Iran move at hypersonic speeds?”

“No.”

“Can we use this against Iran?”

“Not really, not without getting raped ourselves.”

“But Iran is behind SPACE SMITH.”

“Technically its the other way around.”

“Okay I think I have this now.  Air Force and Navy pilots have identified a new Iranian super-weapon, this ‘SPACE SMITH.’  This is why sanctions are not enough in dealing with the radical Islamic Iranian regime….”

“Can I slap him?”

“Mathis struck him last year.” Shannahan responded. “Pompeo accused him of being an Iranian plant.  Took a dozen men to remove Mathis dragging his balls across his face after he knocked him out.”

“The Iranian’s sent Mathis to take me out and Tea Bag me!”

“Jesus.”  The yellow curry scented man said.

“What is the connection between Jesus, and Iran?”  Pompeo asked.

“We tried.  Hopefully he tells the President.”

 

“With the aid of their new super-weapon SPACE SMITH RAPED JESUS!  Iran converted JESUS against AMERICA, and will turn this weapon against the American people, unless we act now…..”

 

THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFFIED;

THAT MEANS IF THIS IS LEAKED, BAD THINGS HAPPEN;

STOP LEAKING, ITS DANGEROUS IF THE PUBLIC FINDS OUT WHAT GOES ON IN THE WAR ROOM

STOP LEAKING, DAMN YOU!!

THIS TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED